bLoggiN' with CyNdaWg

10 Hang Ups to GET OVER in 2010

2010-01-01T23:15:00.000-08:00

Me and 4 yr old nephew Lance Christmas 2009

Lists! I love lists! I have a good one. It's not my New Year's Resolution list. No no, its the list of things I have to GET OVER in the new year. This isn't just a new year, it's a new decade!! Oh man, I remember the beginning of the last decade: In the year 2000, I turned 15. This year I turn 25. It's about time for me to get over a few things so that I can make the most of this decade.

Single men are not defective.
This is something I've thought about even more now that I'm single. I always thought that if I good-looking, successful, interesting man is single, then there must be something wrong with him. Why hasn't he found a girl yet? Or why hasn't a beautiful girl found him? He must be a player, a commitment-phobe, a serial killer, or possess some odd quirk that sends women running. I considered myself lucky that I found someone in HIGH SCHOOL who wanted to be with me and who I also genuinely loved. I felt sorry for single people and wondered if they would ever find "the one". Boy has that notion slapped me in the face! I have to look for the good in people and not write them off so quickly.

Prospective mates are not "used goods".
This might sound completely ridiculous, but its hard for me to let go of this one. I don't want to be with someone who has loved someone else (because I will always be second, or third, etc. to them). I don't want someone who has slept with other people (because its just gross!). I don't want to be with someone who I haven't known for awhile because being friends first is always better (if I stick with that thought I'll be single forever!). Harrison was my first love. My first, well, lover. He was pure, untainted, clean, and all mine! I was his first love too. He had no one else with which to compare me, so I was everything to him. And though I had just a little more experience than him, Harrison was essentially everything to me too. Now, he's in a relationship with someone else. Ick!! The thought of him being intimate with someone else makes me both ill and angry. I feel so possessive of him, which is why I had such a hard time accepting not only our breakup, but the fact that he actually moved on to someone new. I'm no longer his everything. And so I look at the population at large and think "ew, they are all "used goods" and have their own crazy baggage that I don't want to deal with. But of course that's being completely unfair. I too, am used.

I will graduate when I'm done.
This is going to be a revolutionary thought for me. Since roughly 2004 I've been beating myself up over my blunders in college. I CONSTANTLY compare myself to EVERYONE else who is either in college or has graduated. It pierces my soul to know that I flunked out of college and that since going back, it's taking me so long to finish. Whenever someone asks me "so, you must be done with school soon right?" I actually have to take a second to calm myself before answering. I want to scream. I want to say "Look, I work full time and I only attend school part-time so yeah, its taking me FOREVER. Oh, and I attend a notoriously difficult and prestigious university that I pay for MYSELF so lay off!!" But I am going to be cool about it now. I work hard, dammit. I don't have to impress anyone. I am getting quality experience working as a vet tech so when I finish my degree I will have an edge when applying to professional school. I will graduate when I'm done and ready!

This is the body you are stuck with--make the most of it.
This has had my hung up for longer than 10 years. I finally have to accept that I can't change the way I look and I have to start liking myself. Sure there a a few things I can tweak (I'm still working on my teeth) but by and large, I'm stuck with this face and this body. There is so much I hate about it but I can't waste all that energy anymore. I have curly hair and I LIKE IT. I have a big forehead, but so do most SUPERMODELS! My arms and legs are scrawny, but I'm not FAT. I have a small chest but I also have a small WAIST. This is the decade to celebrate my assets and forget about my flaws.

Sleeping all day is unhealthy.
When the urge to oversleep hits, I'm going to try to go for a walk. Nothing too crazy, just a little skip around the neighborhood. Sleep is like crack to me. If I don't have anything scheduled for the day, I will literally sleep it all away. I work 4 days a week and have 3 days off. When I'm in school and have petsitting jobs scheduled back-to-back, my days off are spent studying and driving around town tending to the animals. So when I come across the rarest of rare days when I have NOTHING to do, I SLEEP!! It feels great until I actually get up and I have a pounding headache and feel hypoglycemic. And then the regret of not accomplishing anything sets in and I feel depressed. Hopefully I can wean myself off of oversleeping and a brisk walk might motivate me to do something productive with my free time.

Harrison will NOT come back running back to you.
He won't. He's gone. Get over it.

Being single is ok.
Tons of people do it! Maybe I can take advantage of this time to improve upon my already perfect self! I don't have to feel sorry for myself because I'm "alone". I can celebrate my freedom.

Clear skin may never happen for you.
My face hasn't been blemish-free since 5th grade. I have oily, uneven skin that may always torture me with breakouts and redness. Makeup is my best friend. I just need to keep taking care of my skin by washing, toning, scrubbing, blotting, dabbing, and applying all the latest and greatest products to it. The acne may never completely go away, but I can do a great job hiding it! I need to stop feeling less beautiful or less desirable just because I have problem skin.

When invited to go out--GO!
I've already started doing this, but have had little success so far. I was just invited to another get-together at a bar tomorrow night, but I'm very hesitant to go after what happened last time I went to a bar. But even if I just make an appearance, it might be worth it to get myself out there. Not to be "relationship-centric" but I can't write off any opportunities to meet somebody. Although, I'm not likely to meet a real winner at a bar. Ugh, just the thought of starting a relationship makes me queasy, and the idea of being rejected at any point along the way is terrifying.

People are not always staring at you and judging you
Relax. Loosen up. I'm so tense and self-conscious all of the time. I swear people are always looking at me and focusing on all of my flaws. It sounds so absurd when I write it down, huh? But its so true. Just walking down the street or going to the supermarket is mentally exhausting for me. I try not to look people in the eye and pretend to be oblivious to things happening around me. I'm gonna try to let all of my anxiety go. No one cares!!! I'm the only one turning on the microscope.

It's the most [______] time of the year!

2009-12-11T00:30:00.000-08:00

I can't believe another year has come and gone. I am 24 years old--wow. My youth is behind me. I'm getting wrinkles. I've sprouted a single gray hair. Its all downhill from here. At least 1/3 of my life is over, and I can't go back. All of these realizations weigh heavy on my mind. So heavily, that I yearn for wisdom from older people that are farther along in the journey of life.

This summer I bought a book called "20 Something, 20 Everything" by Christine Hassler, which I picked up after spending a lot of time in the 'Self Help' section of the bookstore. Its about breaking down the impossible standards that women hold themselves to while in their twenties and how its okay to feel scared and confused. We spend our entire youth planning what we THINK is going to transpire in our twenties, and usually by 25 we see things have gone much differently. The book shares interviews with women of all ages detailing their life experiences and advice for coping with the onslaught of emotions that complicate life as a twenty-something. The best part about this book are the exercises that are peppered throughout each chapter that assist in understanding your goals and values, and coming to terms with the way life has unfolded thus far. I was really inspired by what I read and actually tried to do all of the exercises. It has helped me to know I'm not the only 24 year old unhappy with her life and unsure about where its going to lead.

I get really down when I think about where I wanted to be right now. I wanted to be in veterinary school and in a serious relationship (with Harrison...sigh). I never ever thought I would still be an undergrad and that I would be single. I never thought I would have so many regrets, either. I feel as though I haven't accomplished ANYTHING worth being proud of. I sort of feel like my life is a waste. BUT I DONT WANT TO GO DOWN THIS ROAD AGAIN!! At every year's end I reflect on what I DIDNT accomplish and how I'm still depressed. IT SUCKS!!

You know what? Part of me wants to be famous, a performer. I was given A LOT of opportunity as a child with lots of exposure to music and the arts. I used to be a multi-instrumentalist. I would love to play in an orchestra again (a REAL one!) or sing or act. I've never tried acting before, but I think I'd be really good. I'm not a terribly good singer, but I understand the principles of melody and harmony so I bet I could learn to be good. I'd also love to dance. Ballet or ballroom or swing. But I feel like I'm too old now. I'm past my prime. I HAD the opportunities but I never ran with them. Alas, this gets me down too.

I'm having a hard time getting into the Christmas mood (again). I either go crazy overboard and spend lots of money trying to compensate for my loneliness or I retreat to my darkness and shun the holidays altogether. It's just so weird this year. I feel overwhelmingly sad that I don't have Harrison and his family to share Christmas with, but then again I'm supposed to be on this self-improvement high that's supposed to get me through the season without feeling SORRY for myself!!! I feel so disillusioned. A DECADE has come and gone that's so INSANE!!!

I simply gotta march,

my heart's a drummer.

Don't bring around a cloud

to rain on my paraaaaaaaade!!

--Barbra

Why Bars and Sober People Don't Mix

2009-12-06T00:44:00.000-08:00

All dressed up. Makeup applied to perfection. Hair slicked back. Crying in the Del Taco Drive-Thru. Its midnight. I'm a loser.

When you don't consume alcohol and get invited to bars, its a lonely place to be. I'm used to the wide-eyed looks and gasps from people upon hearing I don't drink, and then they proceed to praise me for it. "Oh I admire you so much". "Good for you honey". "Wow, I couldn't do that". After the novelty of it wears off, people then start to ignore me. Happily buzzed they cackle amongst each other, take frequent trips to the bathroom, step outside to smoke, and generally take little interest in me. I become the "purse-watcher". Yeah, when everyone leaves to the bar, SOMEONE has to stay with the purses!

So I was invited to an old friend's birthday celebration at a country-western bar. Just a few friends getting together, that's all. I've only seen this girl once in the past 7 years, but I thought it would be nice to go out like normal people do and who knows, maybe have a little fun. I put on a cute outfit, did myself up really nicely and told myself to be outgoing, interesting, and open to new experiences. HAH! Do I not know myself at all??!

First of all, its impossible to carry on an intelligent conversation when you have to scream into someone's ear and ask "what?" after everything they say. And I think sober people genuinely become invisible when everyone is drinking alcohol. For real. My friend greeted me warmly and was really happy that I came, but to be honest she was off in her own world. Her friends were nice enough, but seemed to be at a loss for words when it came to conversing with the sober girl. I sat there on the barstool, my back straight, legs crossed, hands in my lap feeling terribly out of place. Soon people were leaving the table to seek out more interesting things and at one point just me and another girl sat at the table overlooking the dance floor. I thought, hmmmm, this might be an opportunity for some young cowboy to ask me to dance or something. I was looking GOOD too! A young man did walk over and pause at my table, but stopped to chat up the girl I sat with. Humph! He wasn't even cute, so no real loss there.

Oh, and the best part of my 2 hours at this bar was when a slow jam came on and couples started swaying on the dance floor, dancing cheek to cheek. My eyes filled with tears. If only Harrison were here, I'd be comfortable in his arms. BARF!! I couldn't allow myself to cry not only because of the embarrassment that would ensue, but because I was wearing A LOT of eye makeup! The whole scene brought me back to senior prom, when Harrison and I danced the whole night. I remember feeling so at ease with him and unafraid to look like a fool or to stand there in silence. I knew he was something special. I've always felt awkward in social situations, but I didn't feel that way with Harrison.

I think I have issues sustaining conversation with new acquaintances because I just don't care about the mundane details of their lives. And its really taxing to pretend to care for long stretches of time. I LOATHE small talk. I just do. Plus, I don't have ANYTHING interesting to talk about, so I feel like a dud right from the beginning. I also have trouble relating to women my age. Always have. The older I get, the more anxiety I get towards maneuvering through crowds and having to chat with new people. Its so bizarre. I have real social anxiety issues. Its not that I'm afraid, its that I become really self-conscious. I start thinking about how much I want to be in my room, under the covers away from everyone. Ok that sounds crazy. Cuckoo! Cuckoo!

Back to tonight.....so I decide I've had enough with the bar scene for the evening and say my goodbyes. Since I didn't have anything to drink (or eat) I decided to make a stop at the Del Taco drive-thru across from the bar. As I sat in the ridiculously slow line of cars, I let a tear escape from my perfectly painted eyes. I miss Harrison. If we were together, I wouldn't even be in this stupid situation and I'd be comfortable in his arms. Or, I could call him and laugh at how awkward and lame I am and he'd make me feel happy. So there I sat, in the fast food drive-thru, crying over STUPID HARRISON!!!! Oh yeah, and its almost midnight on a Saturday. I'm soooooo cool.

Suddenly Relevant Love Songs

2009-12-05T01:26:00.000-08:00

It's so strange to hear a song that you've been listening to for YEARS and YEARS, and suddenly realize that the lyrics are actually applicable to your life! I've always liked sad songs because I'm an emotional person, but these same songs have taken on a whole new meaning now that I have experienced some REAL heartache. Its really quite a sight to see me crying in tune to every track on a Mariah Carey CD, whereas in the past I would just be belting out the tunes in front of my bedroom mirror.

These are the songs that I listened to ON REPEAT over and over again as I struggled to come to terms with "the break up". We're talking dark room, curtains drawn, head in pillow kind of listening...

Track/Artist
-Against all Odds/as performed by Mariah Carey
    How can you just walk away from me/When all I can do is watch you leave/'Cause we've shared the laughter and the pain/And even shared the tears/You're the only one who really knew me at all

-The Great Pretender/The Platters
   Oh yes, I'm the great pretender/Adrift in a world of my own/I play the game but to my real shame/
You've left me to dream all alone

-End of the Road/Boyz II Men
   Although we've come/To the end of the road/Still I can't let go/Its unnatural/You belong to me/I belong to you

-Burn/Usher
   When the feeling ain't the same and your body don't want to/But you know gotta let it go cuz the party ain't jumpin' like it used to/Even though this might bruise you/Let it burn/Deep down you know it's best for yourself but you/Hate the thought of [him] being with someone else/But you know that it's over/We knew it was through

-It Must Have Been Love/Roxette
   It must have been love but its over now/It must have been good but I lost it somehow

-These Days/Rascal Flatts
   I wake up and tear drops/They fall down like rain/I put on that old song we danced to and then/
I head off to my job/Guess not much has changed/Punch the clock/Head for home/Check the phone, just in case/Go to bed/Dream of you/That's what I'm doing these days

-Nobody Knows/Babyface
   The nights are lonely/The days are so sad/I just keep thinkin' about the love that we had/And I'm missing you/And nobody knows it but me

-Crazy/K-Ci and JoJo
   If you really love me then why are you leavin me/I can't think, think about this crazy day/I lose sleep just to daydream about you baby

-Love Song/The Cure
   However far away,I will always love you/However long I stay, I will always love you/Whatever words I say, I will always love you

-Goodbye Time/Blake Shelton
   If we had known our love would come to this/We could have saved our hearts the hurt of wasted years/Well it's been fun - what else can I say/If the feeling's gone words won't stop you anyway

-Breakeven/The Script
   What am I gonna do/When the best part of me was always you/And what am I supposed to say/When I'm all choked up and you're okay

-Landslide/Fleetwood Mac
   Well I've been afraid of changing/'Cause I built my life around you/But time makes you bolder/Children get older/I'm getting older too

-I Still Believe/Mariah Carey
   If we believe that true love never has to end/Then we must know that we will love again

-You Were Meant For Me/Jewel
I go 'bout my business I'm doing fine/Besides what would I say if I had you on the line/Same old story, not much to say/Hearts are broken everyday

-All Cried Out/Allure
   I gave you my love in vain/My body never knew such pleasure/My heart never knew such pain/And you have left me so confused/Now I'm all cried out over you

-Breathe/ Taylor Swift
   People are people and sometimes we change our minds/But its killing me to see you go after all this time

-Goodbye to You/Michelle Branch
   Goodbye to you/Goodbye to everything I thought I knew/You were the one I loved/The one thing that I tried to hold onto

-I'd be Better Off/Doug Stone
   I think I'd rather die/And go to hell and face the devil/Than to lie here, with you and [her] together on my mind

-Already Gone/Kelly Clarkson
   Remember all the things we wanted/Now all our memories, they're haunted/We were always meant to say goodbye

-We Belong Together/Mariah Carey
   I'm trying to keep it together/But I'm falling apart/I'm feeling all out of my element/I'm throwing things/Crying/Trying to figure out

-Let me Let Go/Faith Hill
   I thought it was over baby/We said our goodbyes/But I can't go a day without your face/Goin' through my mind/In fact not a single minute/Passes without you in it/Your voice, you touch, memories of our love/Are with me all of the time

-Breathe Again/Toni Braxton
   And I can't get you outta my head/And I know I can't pretend/That I won't die if you decide/You won't see me again

-It's so Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday/Boyz II Men
   How do I say goodbye to what we had/The good times that made us laugh/Outweigh the bad

-Not a Day Goes By/Lonestar
   I still wait by the phone/In the middle of the night/Thinking you might call/If your dreams don't turn out right/And it still amazes me/That I lie here in the dark/Wishing you were next to me/With your head against my heart

-I Don't Wanna Cry/Mariah Carey
Nothing in the world can take us back/To where we used to be/Though I've given you my heart and soul/I must find a way of letting go

-I Stay in Love/Mariah Carey
   We said let go bit I kept hanging on/Inside I know its over, you're really gone/It's killing me cause there ain't nothing that I can do/Baby, I stay in love with you

-Forever/Mariah Carey
   As long as I shall live/I'll hold you hear/And I will reminisce/Of our love all through the years

-I Will Always Love You/as performed by Whitney Houston
   If I should stay/I would only be in your way/So I'll go, but I know/I'll think of you every step of the way

-Here Without You/3 Doors Down
   I'm here without you baby/But you're still on my lonely mind/I think about you baby/And I dream about you all the time

-I Told You So/Randy Travis
   If I got down on my knees and told you I was yours forever/Would you get down on yours too and take my hand/Would we get that old time feelin'/Would we laugh and talk for hours/The way we did when our love first began

-Who Knew/Pink
   I wish I could touch you again/I wish I could still call you a friend/I'd give anything

-Here Comes Goodbye/Rascal Flatts
   One day I thought I'd see her with her daddy by her side/And violins would play 'Here Comes the Bride'

-Not as We/Alanis Morissette
   Day one, day one, start over again/step one, step one/I'm barely making sense for now/I'm faking it, I'm pseudo-making it/From scratch being again, but this time I as I/And not as we

-All By Myself/as performed by Celine Dion
   Hard to be sure/Sometimes I feel so insecure/And love's so distant and obscure/Remains the cure

-Without You/as performed by Mariah Carey
   No I can't forget tomorrow/When I think of all my sorrow/When I had you there/But then I let you go

-Don't Forget About Us/Mariah Carey
   I'm just speaking from experience/Nothing can compare to your first true love/So I hope this will remind you/When its for real, its forever/ So don't forget about us

-Happy Ending/Avril Lavigne
   You were everything, everything that I wanted/We were meant to be, supposed to be/But we lost it

-Heartless/Kanye West
   Wait a couple months then you gon' see/You'll never find nobody better than me

-Like We Never Loved at All/Faith Hill
   You, I hear your doin' fine/Seems like you're doing well, as far as I can tell/Time is leaving us behind/Another week has passed, and still I haven't laughed yet

-Cry/Faith Hill
   Could you cry a little/Die just a little/Tell me you're feeling a little more pain/I gave, now I'm wanting something in return/So cry just a little for me

-Don't Toss Us Away/Patty Loveless
   Well just think of all we've been through/The world we're building me and you/How could all those years be tossed away/In just one moment, in just one day

Whew!! That was intense. Just recollecting all of these songs and lyrics has got me misty-eyed. I've said it once and I'll say it again, Mariah Carey sings the soundtrack of my life! I've always loved her, but now her songs mean THAT much more. Of course Faith Hill and her country cohorts fill in the gaps that Mariah has left. There are only a few "angry" breakup songs, probably because I'm more of a sap than a revenge-seeker. Believe me I've planned some AWFUL, CRAZY, VENGEFUL things in my head with the intent of making Harrison suffer as much as I have, but I always remind myself that it would just push him further away.

I've been at this for almost 2 hours now. I'm glad I got it all out, though. I need to put these songs away for awhile and let my tear ducts relax for a bit.

I'm Baaaaaaaack!

2009-12-04T01:56:00.000-08:00

I'm taking this craptastic blog in a new direction.

In the months I've been away, a lot has happened: I've completed 2 quarters at UCSD (straight A's bitches!), my petsitting business has exploded (in a good way) and I became single for the first time in 6 years. Wait, WHAT??! Yeah, I've been dealing with a break-up for the past 6 months and its HAS NOT been pretty.

So, I've decided to return to my blog and treat it more as an online journal. I removed everyone's "subscriptions" so they don't have to be subjected to this, my healing process, against their will. I used to keep a handwritten journal , but stopped writing shortly before I went to college. I have 6 journals bursting at the seams with my deepest, most private thoughts that deal with the angst and suffering that permeated my soul as a dysfunctional, depressed teen. A lot of it also details the early years of romance between Harrison and I, which in early May of this year, ceased to exist. Writing truly is therapeutic for me, but when I take to journal writing its hard for me to write as fast as my mind is spinning, so I prefer typing over pen and paper. I used to print out my journal entries and glue them to the lovely books meant for such things, but even that is too much work! Besides, publishing it for posterity's sake should prove satisfying someday. Just looking back on last year's blog entries got me all nostalgic. *Sigh*

I'm gonna get pretty personal, but not THAT personal. This is, after all, being published ON THE INTERNET!! I plan to store the more deviant thoughts deep in the recesses of my brain, where only I can access them.

Its been rough. Experiencing the dissolution of a relationship I (naively) thought would last forever has brought out the crazy in me I never thought I had! I'll give you the brief lowdown: Harrison and I have been together since 2003. I was about to graduate high school and he was only entering the 10th grade. Something about him told me that we just HAD to be together and I pestered him until we were! For some dumb reason I wanted to continue cultivating this relationship despite my transition to college, and eventually, his transition to college in Los Angeles. That being said, the majority of our relationship was spent long-distance: anticipating weekends, NIGHTLY conversations, traffic-filled commutes, and nights spent crying alone (the last one was mostly me). I quickly incorporated myself into his family, he into mine, and after awhile we started acting like an old married couple. Together Harrison and I shared many of the monumental ups and downs of young adulthood. Six years came and went, and soon Harrison was about to graduate from college and begin graduate school in yet a different city (not mine!). We had a serious, tear-filled discussion about how are lives have kept diverging and it seemed impractical and unfair to each other to keep up the relationship. I thought this decision would be enlightening. Instead, it sent me into a sharp downward spiral that had me hit one of the lowest points in my life. Not more than a week had passed when I began to regret our decision. I couldn't live without Harrison! He was my life! He gave me purpose! I had this person to measure up to and impress and love and be loved by! No, he was MINE and I wasn't going to give him up! Unfortunately, Harrison seemed to see it differently and was reveling in his new-found freedom. Oh yeah. He immediately started dating some chic he had known all through college and when I found out on Facebook (omg, yes, I know) I went NUTS!! What happened next comprises a huge amount of guilt and regret that currently resides in my gut. I called him and went all psycho-ex-girlfriend-bat-shit-crazy on him. I called him and managed to keep a calm tone for all but 2 minutes when I unleashed my fury on him. I mean I was sobbing incoherently, cursing at the top of my lungs, throwing things across my room, cutting myself with a razor blade, and thrashing around on the floor. I was SO HURT that he was dating someone else and I just couldn't handle it. That was the last time I talked to him. We did exchange 1 email regarding some pictures we had recently taken and how I wanted copies, but because I answered it angrily (I think) he has chosen to keep his silence. I've TEXTED HIM, CALLED HIM, EMAILED HIM--a lot at first, but then maybe once a month--and he DELIBERATELY chooses to ignore me. That in and of itself has hurt me SO MUCH. He just won't talk to me. And yes, according to my carefully guarded resources he is still in a relationship with that girl he started seeing like a week after we broke up. So fast forward to today--6 months since that crazy ass phone call--and I've not heard from Harrison. Now I've asked myself HUNDREDS of times why this manboy has decided to erase EVERYTHING WE SHARED FOR 6 YEARS in favor of a girl he JUST STARTED dating, but of course I don't have the answers. I've cried relentlessly, I've talked to people who have "been there", I've tortured myself for days on end wondering how things could have gone differently. This has been a source of tremendous anguish and misery. This is what has occupied my mind for SIX MONTHS! Harrison, Harrison, Harrison. Oh why did we give up on our relationship? Oh why did I have to act so crazy? Oh what does this girl have that I don't have? Oh why won't you speak to me? Oh why do I still love you?

I'm OVER IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want to be happy! I'm 24 years old and I'm not getting any younger!! I'm approaching spinster-age! I'm getting OLD!! I need to get over that LUH-HOO-SER and realize that I am SMART, CONFIDENT, BEAUTIFUL (ok, hot), INDEPENDENT, and AWESOME!!!!

This realization didn't happen overnight. When I "relapse" and start crying over Harrison, I KNOW I want to stop, and be happy and get over him. But its hard to pull yourself up out of the gutter when you've already taken up residence there and have established a routine! I didn't know how to fall asleep without crying! That's actually possible??!! I thought about adding a new prescription or altering the meds I'm on now to help me deal with this, but instead I'm going to try without!

Ok ok, I'm going to treat this as a journal, and hopefully write back soon. Bye for now.

auf Wiedersehen

2009-04-19T13:25:00.000-07:00

I've made the decision to shut down my blog. I'm either going to take a very long hiatus, or take it offline completely. I have nothing interesting to say, really, and nothing exciting happens to me that would warrant a whole website dedicated to my life. So don't be checking in as often as you do (ha, ha) for new material because there just won't be any. So long!

Here's your Lemonade!

2009-04-07T21:37:00.000-07:00

It was recently brought to my attention, by one of my blog worshippers, that my blog is incredibly depressing. Apparently I never write about happy stuff, or always put a negative slant on things.

Point taken. I'm taking my life's basket of lemons and makin' some lemonade, ok??????? Sweet, sugary, refreshingly cool lemonade!!!

Well I don't have anything sunny to say now, but my next post will definitely make you NOT want to gag yourself in response to my self-indulgent rants. Bye!

Julianne (1997-2004)

To everything, there is a season

2009-03-26T21:59:00.000-07:00

You know how when you try out for a sports team, the coaches post the roster and there's always some loser who doesn't make the team?

You know how when you audition for the school play and the drama teacher posts the cast list and there's always some poor sap that missed out on the leading role?

Do you know what it feels like to be that person whose heart is full of anxiety, stomach full of butterflies, and head dizzy with excitement only to be let down when their name IS NOT on the stupid list??!!

Well that's ME in a nutshell. A rotten, misshapen nutshell.

So work has been sucking big time lately. Seems like the toilet bowel economy has finally hit the veterinary business and our revenue has gone WAY down. As a result, people have been getting sent home early, called off entirely, AND been laid off!! Oh and by people, I mean ME. The service that's been hardest hit is Internal Medicine--my department--so me and a few others have really been getting the shaft. I've been there for 4 years, but there are a few peeps in the department that have been there for 7 or 8 years and therefore don't have to kiss as much ass to get what they want. And so today, after much deliberation by the hospital owners and the dumbasses they have as staff supervisors, a new schedule was put into effect. About half of the staff had their hours cut by 10%, the other half wasn't affected at all, and about 5% of the staff got their schedules completely changed. Guess where I fall in??? I went from working Mon-Thurs 9a-7:30p with Internal Medicine and Charge Capture to working the following shiteous schedule:

Monday: 4p-12:30a in ICU
Wednesday: 9a-7:30p as a Float Technician
Thursday: 4p-12:30a in ICU
Friday: 12p-10:30p as a Float Technician

ARE YOU KIDDING ME???????????????
THIS IS HOW I'M REWARDED FOR 4 YEARS OF LOYAL SERVICE??????????????

I'm beyond upset. I'm not a big fan of ICU, and do you know why? Because most of the patients don't make it out of the ICU and any of them could drop dead as soon as you turn your back! Its one of the most stressful positions and one that requires a lot of skill. And being a float technician is super annoying because you are at the supervisors' beck and call and are made to pick up everyone's slack. AND I HATE NOT HAVING MY DAYS OFF IN A ROW!! Its so annoying! I have had 3 days off in a row for the past 4 years and no I'm NOT being a diva. Having a day off right in the middle of the week just doesn't flow. I'm gonna be so stressed out.

As if the constant stress of work isn't enough, guess what? I'm going back to school! I know I've been going to Mesa College for the past 2 years but I'm finally going back to UCSD where I can get my bachelor's degree in biology!!! I'm sure you remember my nervous breakdown when I flunked out of UCSD in 2004, but rest assured I am a changed person. I'm back baby!! I start the Spring Quarter on Monday, and I'm a little ticked off because if I had known my horrible new schedule earlier, I could have taken one more class and qualified for financial aid. I am only taking one class because that's all I could fit in my schedule (Biology 1: Mon, Wed from 7:30a-8:50a) and all I could afford. Hopefully when Fall Quarter comes around I can take a few more classes and qualify for some financial help.

To everything (turn, turn, turn) there is a season (turn, turn, turn). I'm gonna be bitter for awhile, but I'll inevitably pull myself out of this rut and move on with life.

Holy Saxophone!

2009-01-19T21:01:00.000-08:00

Ever sit and contemplate the importance of the saxophone in 80's pop music? Well guess what, I have! I consider myself to be pretty well rounded in my knowledge of different musical genres, and one of my favorites is music from the 1980's. Why the 80's? It's the catchy pop tunes, the awkward neon fashions, the heavy synth sounds, the Aqua Net-ravaged hairstyles...and of course, the saxophone! You simply can't get through many 80's hits without a saxophone solo ostentatiously tugging at your heartstrings! I remember even as a kid, listening to my sister's tapes, I knew all the words to every song AND the melifluous sax riffs. I used to think it was sort of weird how songs would just stop to entertain the sax for awhile, but as I grew older I learned to appreciate the sax as a symbol of good old fashioned 80's melodrama. Here are a few songs that I most remember featuring a prominent sax solo. Enjoy.

True, Spandau Ballet: 35 seconds of gloriously embellished elevator music. Though I knew this song before the 1998 movie The Wedding Singer came out, I still associate it with Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore's happy ending. I knoooooow this! muuuuuuch is! TRUE!

Careless Whisper, Wham!: The definitive sax intro. A desperate, penitent sax opens the first 30 seconds of the tune, and returns for a second round mid-way through. You have to wonder if the lyrics complimentthe sax, instead of the sax complimenting the lyrics...

Maneater, Hall and Oates: The sultry sax in this tune just teases us for about 20 seconds in the beginning, but doesn't disappoint when it returns for a 40 second solo. It continues to weave between the singers' voices for the remainder of the song.

Hands to Heaven, Breathe: Ok, this song was on one of my many mixed tapes from middle school. Yeah yeah, I know I went to middle school in the late 90's, but a good song's a good song no matter what decade you're in! Now this sax solo gently eases its way in and then just renders you helpless, getting you lost in its moving, over-the-top glory! The last full minute of the song is pure saxophone, baby! Sappy sax at its finest!

Never Tear Us Apart, INXS: Um, one of the greatest ballads of the 80's! A string quartet, Michael Hutchence wandering around in Prague, lines like "we all have wings but some of us don't know why", and a moody 15 sec. sax solo....what more could you ASK for??!

Rio, Duran Duran: This song is pretty awesome all on its own. In fact, the sax doesn't make its appearance until about 3 minutes into the song, but for the next 40 seconds it makes itself pretty well known! This is raunchy, gritty sax here.

Urgent, Foreigner: I had this obsession with Foreigner when I was about 12 years old. While this one's not really one of my favs, the 40-some-odd seconds of grunting, wailing sax makes the song pretty happenin'! I need me some more sax! Urgently!

And last but not least, I will leave you with some shamelessly in-your-face saxophone courtesy of Tim Capello, iconic pop saxophonist. The following link is a clip from the movie The Lost Boys. The scene: sweaty buff guy in chains playing the sax. Classic.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PIU52Yeogdk

Junk in the Trunk

2009-01-16T18:58:00.000-08:00

Get a load of THIS!

The other day I decided it was time to clean the inside of my car. I try to be a tidy person, but I tend let my car get pretty, well, disgusting. Food wrappers, plastic bottles, clothing, papers, and miscellaneous items usually reside in the cab of my car, and I clean 'em up every so often. The only part of my car that I NEVER clean is the trunk. I seriously haven't been in there in at least a year.

So I set out on a major cleaning job. It had to be done. After cleaning the floors, the seats, cup holders, the dash....I clicked open my trunk. AHHHHHHH!!! It was like a scene from a horror movie! Well, not quite, but it was pretty gross. The following is a list, in no particular order (yes, I had to go through layers), of what lurked inside the trunk of my Ford Escort:

A leaky gallon of water (about 1/4 full)

Mounds of old clothing (strewn about--soaking wet! and some in bags)

A hamster cage

Textbooks from 2003

6 National Geographic magazines from 2003

Liquid laundry detergent

A gong w/ mallet

My trumpet

2 hula hoops

A Razr scooter

My late pug's radiographs from 2004 (damp, but still readable)

A bag of old shoes

2 very long orange extension cords

A dolphin souvenir clock

Unopened bag of polyester fiberfill

A wallet I had in middle school--in it was my SS card (that's where it went!!) and pics of my friends, school dances, etc.

Steering wheel cover and custom dashboard cover

I got rid of most of that stuff--gave it to my roommate to take to Goodwill or Salvation Army. I kept my trumpet, the contents of that wallet, and Julianne's radiographs. I don't have the heart to throw the X-rays out. Maybe I'll get one of the neurologists at work to take a look and see if they see something Jules' doctor couldn't. I dunno.

Well, lesson learned. I'm not going to let my car get that filthy again! I'm sure daddy is cringing at this post, but rest assured I'm going to take better care of my vehicle!!!

The O-BLOG-itory Holiday Post

2009-01-07T23:13:00.000-08:00

Here it is. The obligatory Holiday Season/End of the Year wrap-up. The year 2008 was blah at best, so I really don't have any lofty hopes for 2009. I wish I had a fantastic Christmas story or a wild New Year's Eve adventure to report, but my life just isn't that exciting!!!!

Christmas was spent with Harrison's family in the daytime, and with my mommy, brother, and nephew in the evening.

I was really happy and grateful for the chance to hang out with my little nephew Nixon Brio. You know how fast babies grow?! He is the sweetest, most handsome little chunk! He sure drools a lot, though. LOL.

I also got to meet up with the other two people who make up the LOSER triangle (with me being the third)! Cory and Nicole! The self-proclaimed "loneliest, most pathetic, effed up trio on the planet " got together and caught up on old times. We pretty much only hang out once or twice a year because we're lame like that, so it was a welcomed treat to see them again.

New Year's eve was uneventful. I couldn't even stay awake. Woke up to say "WooHoo!", texted a few people, then went back to sleep. I remember the days when all I wanted to do was party and scream and jump around to welcome in the New Year. Did I actually used to do all those things? Well, no, not usually but at least I WANTED to! Now not so much. I'm getting too freakin' old. How depressing.

Another year? REALLY? Its 2009?? It's so insane. I had hoped to be in veterinary school by now. I had hoped to at least have my bachelor's degree by now! I'm trying to enroll at UCSD again this Spring to finish earning my degree in Biology. I'll let you know how that goes. I'm so nervous, but I have to do it. Harrison graduates this Spring. I want SO much to be unequivocally happy for him but part of me is still bitter that I haven't graduated yet myself. He's got the whole world eating out of the palm of his hand right now! He's got his grad school apps in the mail. Its so depressing! Don't get me wrong, I am very proud of all of his hard work. *Sigh*

Happy New Year.

Close Call

2008-12-09T23:46:00.000-08:00

Imagine sitting at home on a Monday afternoon, tending to daily chores and perhaps thankful for another beautiful day in San Diego. Then, imagine hearing the deafening roar of an F-18 jet soaring above your house, intensifying as each second passes. Living two miles from a military air station, you don’t give it much thought until the windows start to shake and the ground begins to tremble. And then in an instant your life is over.

Fire. Smoke. Destruction. An entire family taken from this earth in the blink of an eye on Monday December 8, 2008. A mother, two innocent babies, and a grandmother lost their lives when a disabled F/A-18D Hornet jet crashed into their home just seconds after the pilot ejected safely into the canyon below. The father was at work when he got the call. Imagine the overwhelming grief and pain that he must be experiencing. It is unbearable to think about.

I’m writing about this today because this could have very easily been my house. The jet crash occurred in my neighborhood of University City, just half a mile from my home. As word leaked about the crash at work, I rushed to a computer to watch the streaming footage online. For all I knew that was my street going up in flames. The black smoke was so thick I couldn’t discern the exact location. When the media released the street names, I was relieved to know they weren’t mine, but shocked at how close they were.

The pilot had to make a lightning-fast, critical decision when he jumped from that aircraft. I can’t imagine being in that situation, and I am so glad he is safe. The jet could’ve crashed into the nearby University City High School. It could have plummeted into the busy shopping center. It could have landed on the bustling freeway. The family that died yesterday made the ultimate sacrifice. The father has the be the strongest person I know (well, I don’t really know him but he’s practically my neighbor). Its hard for me to accept that two precious infants were killed, but at least they are with their mother and grandmother in heaven.

The details of the crash are just beginning to unfold and if you’d like to read more about it, just google ‘jet crash san diego’.

Click on this link (or the title of this blog post) to see a customized map showing the proximity of the crash site to my house (Courtesy of Google)

http://maps.google.com/maps/ms?hl=en&ie=UTF8&msa=0&msid=103904324086832382105.00045daabf244a94cebe2&z=16

"1" Is The Loneliest Number

2008-11-22T16:19:00.000-08:00

Life is full of many firsts. Your first steps, your first tooth, your first overdue library book... and then there's your first holiday spent alone.

***Cue the sappy music (something like Eric Carmen's All by Myself) ***

Ah yes, this Thanksgiving 2008 will be spent with me, myself, and I. It just happened to turn out that way. I work at a 24-hour hospital and everyone is required to work 2 holidays per year. I usually choose an early shift on Memorial Day and Thanksgiving, which for the past 3 years has worked out marvelously. Choice of holiday shift depends on an assigned priority status based upon seniority. Though my time at VSH pales in comparison to the few people who've been there 10+ years, I have a decent spot on the list. Well this year the powers-that-be decided to extend the length of Holiday shifts to 10 hours instead of 8 hours. LAME! So basically it’s just another day. One of the only perks of working a holiday is the reduced shift time (not to mention the holiday pay) and they took that away from us!! Grrr.

So I am scheduled to work from 9am to 7:30pm on this national Day of Thanks, only to return to an empty house, a hi-def television, and a cat that needs insulin (I'm petsitting). Thank goodness for hi-def!!

"Don't you have anybody to be with?" Um, no. Its unfortunate, but no one is to blame. My dad is nestled in the mountains of south-central Utah with his wife, Sarita is hosting my mom at her home in Colorado with her family, and Jessie is tucked away in Texas with her husband. Harrison and his family will be together in Los Angeles at his brother's house. And well, you all know I don't have any friends so that leaves just me!

Woe is me...wait, the song is reaching its climax... "ALL BY MYSELF!!"... heh, let's listen for a minute. Ok, that's good.

So on November 27th, as you sit with your loved ones around a table brimming with freshly prepared yumminess, have an extra helping of stuffing for me. And don't skimp on the whipped cream on that pumpkin pie! I wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving. Here's to a kick-ass Christmas, ya??

So Much Hate

2008-11-15T14:47:00.000-08:00

SERIOUSLY???

Come on now, is this really the way to channel your frustrations and anger? At first it made me sad to hear people spew hatred toward the Mormon church, but now its making me FURIOUS! How dare people deface and trample our sacred temple grounds trying to intimidate our faithful members??? The LDS church wasn't the ONLY institution to vote YES on Prop 8, nor can they be held RESPONSIBLE for anti-gay sentiments. The Church is just doing what they always do: striving to protect its views on family and marriage. Its extremely unfortunate that people are suddenly attacking the LDS community.

I am a proud Mormon, but I voted NO on Prop 8. I don't wish to divulge my argument because its meaningless to anyone but myself at this point, but I still respect the doctrine of my church and it hurts me to hear people that I thought were friends of mine speak ill of the LDS church. The Anti-8 protesters think they are making a difference with their silly marches and clever signs, but they are just making themselves look bad. I have many gay friends, and I can sympathize with their disappointment, but you can't fight hate with more hate.

Did you hear about the suspicious white-powder-laced envelopes sent to church officials in Salt Lake and Los Angeles? WTF??? People are sick freaks!

And did you hear that the Sundance Film Festival, held annually in beautiful Park City, Utah, is anticipating a vicious boycott?? Apparently the owner of the main cinemaplex that hosts viewings of independent films donated a huge sum of money to Yes On 8. And that the angry underground gays are poised to launch a boycott against UTAH in general??? Ok, that makes a lot of sense. People in Utah didn't even VOTE on Prop 8!! Again, WTF??????????

I am just so disgusted with people. So much hate.

Halloween 2008

2008-11-06T23:04:00.000-08:00

I was all set to spend Halloween alone in my room--lights off, TV on. It was Friday morning, October 31st, and I hadn't made any plans nor had I purchased a costume. Halloween is my FAVORITE holiday!! I love dressing up and seeing everyone else's costumes and of course binging on candy. However at present, I don't have any friends and Harrison is 150 miles away, so most of my weekend plans consist solely of sleeping in late and petsitting. Well, at the last minute, Harrison was invited to attend The BeBop Heroin Hour (excuse the disturbing title) in Santa Monica where several of his friends were performing on All Hallow's Eve. His buddies made up the house jazz band and were scheduled to play during and in-between comedy acts at some tiny hole-in-the-wall comedy club in the alley behind 3rd street. So I packed up my weekend bag and sat in LA traffic for 4 hours just so I could have something to do on my FAVORITE HOLIDAY.

Somewhere along the 405 freeway I had the perfect idea for a last minute costume: car accident victim. Sweet! I had visions of tire tracks, road rash, and caution tape dancing in my head. I had already packed an old pair of jeans and a white tank top knowing I could use them for something, so using those items and "injury effects" makeup, I became "that chick who got hit by a bus".

Harrison did his best impression of a stick-in-the-mud by refusing to dress up or wear face paint. LAME! I did get him to put on some vampire fangs for a picture though.
The comedy sucked, but the costumes were fabulous. Everyone in Halloween garb was invited on stage, and the magnitude of audience applause determined the best dressed. Ami, a mutual friend of Harrison and mine, won for her Chun-Li (from Street Fighter!) get-up.

Alas, I am growing old and Halloween isn't as SUPER COOL as it used to be. It makes me sad, yes, but you're never too old to be somebody you're not for a day, and celebrate with friends.

Here we go!

2008-10-25T20:08:00.000-07:00

Parties. They take so much time, planning, and effort--and in the end, all you're left with is a dirty house and plates of picked-through food. Not to mention all of the themed decor that won't get used again, and the eerie silence you're left with after all the guests have gone. Its not like parties are bad, or anything. I'm not much of a partygoer myself, nor do I host parties much, but lately I've been doing a little bit of both.

So my mom turned 60 on October 30th. Taking the advice of my sister, Sarita, I decided to throw her a surprise party. This was no small undertaking. I of course, with my penchant for all things creative and decadent, pulled out all the stops for my mommy. Having never truly had a birthday party for herself, I wanted to give my mom a truly special celebration.

Well my checkbook begged to differ.

Do you have any idea how much goes into planning a party??! Its nuts. I mean, I can understand why people actually do party planning for a living and run businesses solely based on throwing one hell of a party! I'd say my party was a success, though I was too busy pulling out my hair to enjoy it; I was running around like a mad-woman trying to coordinate the whole charade during its 3 hour course.

And then there's baby showers. Luckily, these more casual affairs don't usually last too long and the purpose of them is very clear: shower the mom-to-be with gifts, compliments, etc. and then you're out. I've been to a few recently, and I've gotta say they were pretty enjoyable. But again, all the planning and the setup culminated in nothing more but a big mess! Typically no one gives a hoot about all the trouble you went through to hang the streamers, inflate the balloons, and stir the dip! You just have to been on both sides of the serving dish to get it.

So throw a party--or don't. Attend a party--or don't. I know I'll be more appreciative of party hosts and learn how to restrain myself when planning the next big party.