I'm Baaaaaaaack!

I'm taking this craptastic blog in a new direction.

In the months I've been away, a lot has happened: I've completed 2 quarters at UCSD (straight A's bitches!), my petsitting business has exploded (in a good way) and I became single for the first time in 6 years. Wait, WHAT??! Yeah, I've been dealing with a break-up for the past 6 months and its HAS NOT been pretty.

So, I've decided to return to my blog and treat it more as an online journal. I removed everyone's "subscriptions" so they don't have to be subjected to this, my healing process, against their will. I used to keep a handwritten journal , but stopped writing shortly before I went to college. I have 6 journals bursting at the seams with my deepest, most private thoughts that deal with the angst and suffering that permeated my soul as a dysfunctional, depressed teen. A lot of it also details the early years of romance between Harrison and I, which in early May of this year, ceased to exist. Writing truly is therapeutic for me, but when I take to journal writing its hard for me to write as fast as my mind is spinning, so I prefer typing over pen and paper. I used to print out my journal entries and glue them to the lovely books meant for such things, but even that is too much work! Besides, publishing it for posterity's sake should prove satisfying someday. Just looking back on last year's blog entries got me all nostalgic. *Sigh*

I'm gonna get pretty personal, but not THAT personal. This is, after all, being published ON THE INTERNET!! I plan to store the more deviant thoughts deep in the recesses of my brain, where only I can access them.

Its been rough. Experiencing the dissolution of a relationship I (naively) thought would last forever has brought out the crazy in me I never thought I had! I'll give you the brief lowdown: Harrison and I have been together since 2003. I was about to graduate high school and he was only entering the 10th grade. Something about him told me that we just HAD to be together and I pestered him until we were! For some dumb reason I wanted to continue cultivating this relationship despite my transition to college, and eventually, his transition to college in Los Angeles.  That being said, the majority of our relationship was spent long-distance: anticipating weekends, NIGHTLY conversations, traffic-filled commutes, and nights spent crying alone (the last one was mostly me). I quickly incorporated myself into his family, he into mine, and after awhile we started acting like an old married couple. Together Harrison and I shared many of the monumental ups and downs of young adulthood. Six years came and went, and soon Harrison was about to graduate from college and begin graduate school in yet a different city (not mine!). We had a serious, tear-filled discussion about how are lives have kept diverging and it seemed impractical and unfair to each other to keep up the relationship. I thought this decision would be enlightening. Instead, it sent me into a sharp downward spiral that had me hit one of the lowest points in my life. Not more than a week had passed when I began to regret our decision. I couldn't live without Harrison! He was my life! He gave me purpose! I had this person to measure up to and impress and love and be loved by! No, he was MINE and I wasn't going to give him up! Unfortunately, Harrison seemed to see it differently and was reveling in his new-found freedom. Oh yeah. He immediately started dating some chic he had known all through college and when I found out on Facebook (omg, yes, I know) I went NUTS!! What happened next comprises a huge amount of guilt and regret that currently resides in my gut. I called him and went all psycho-ex-girlfriend-bat-shit-crazy on him. I called him and managed to keep a calm tone for all but 2 minutes when I unleashed my fury on him. I mean I was sobbing incoherently, cursing at the top of my lungs, throwing things across my room, cutting myself with a razor blade, and thrashing around on the floor. I was SO HURT that he was dating someone else and I just couldn't handle it. That was the last time I talked to him. We did exchange 1 email regarding some pictures we had recently taken and how I wanted copies, but because I answered it angrily (I think) he has chosen to keep his silence. I've TEXTED HIM, CALLED HIM, EMAILED HIM--a lot at first, but then maybe once a month--and he DELIBERATELY chooses to ignore me. That in and of itself has hurt me SO MUCH. He just won't talk to me. And yes, according to my carefully guarded resources he is still in a relationship with that girl he started seeing like a week after we broke up. So fast forward to today--6 months since that crazy ass phone call--and I've not heard from Harrison. Now I've asked myself HUNDREDS of times why this manboy has decided to erase EVERYTHING WE SHARED FOR 6 YEARS in favor of a girl he JUST STARTED dating, but of course I don't have the answers. I've cried relentlessly, I've talked to people who have "been there", I've tortured myself for days on end wondering how things could have gone differently. This has been a source of tremendous anguish and misery. This is what has occupied my mind for SIX MONTHS! Harrison, Harrison, Harrison. Oh why did we give up on our relationship? Oh why did I have to act so crazy? Oh what does this girl have that I don't have? Oh why won't you speak to me? Oh why do I still love you?

I'm OVER IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want to be happy! I'm 24 years old and I'm not getting any younger!! I'm approaching spinster-age! I'm getting OLD!! I need to get over that LUH-HOO-SER and realize that I am SMART, CONFIDENT, BEAUTIFUL (ok, hot), INDEPENDENT, and AWESOME!!!!

This realization didn't happen overnight. When I "relapse" and start crying over Harrison, I KNOW I want to stop, and be happy and get over him. But its hard to pull yourself up out of the gutter when you've already taken up residence there and have established a routine! I didn't know how to fall asleep without crying! That's actually possible??!!  I thought about adding a new prescription or altering the meds I'm on now to help me deal with this, but instead I'm going to try without!

Ok ok, I'm going to treat this as a journal, and hopefully write back soon. Bye for now.