Why Bars and Sober People Don't Mix

All dressed up. Makeup applied to perfection. Hair slicked back. Crying in the Del Taco Drive-Thru. Its midnight. I'm a loser.

When you don't consume alcohol and get invited to bars, its a lonely place to be. I'm used to the wide-eyed looks and gasps from people upon hearing I don't drink, and then they proceed to praise me for it. "Oh I admire you so much". "Good for you honey". "Wow, I couldn't do that". After the novelty of it wears off, people then start to ignore me. Happily buzzed they cackle amongst each other, take frequent trips to the bathroom, step outside to smoke, and generally take little interest in me. I become the "purse-watcher". Yeah, when everyone leaves to the bar, SOMEONE has to stay with the purses!

So I was invited to an old friend's birthday celebration at a country-western bar. Just a few friends getting together, that's all. I've only seen this girl once in the past 7 years, but I thought it would be nice to go out like normal people do and who knows, maybe have a little fun. I put on a cute outfit, did myself up really nicely and told myself to be outgoing, interesting, and open to new experiences. HAH! Do I not know myself at all??!

First of all, its impossible to carry on an intelligent conversation when you have to scream into someone's ear and ask "what?" after everything they say. And I think sober people genuinely become invisible when everyone is drinking alcohol. For real. My friend greeted me warmly and was really happy that I came, but to be honest she was off in her own world. Her friends were nice enough, but seemed to be at a loss for words when it came to conversing with the sober girl. I sat there on the barstool, my back straight, legs crossed, hands in my lap feeling terribly out of place. Soon people were leaving the table to seek out more interesting things and at one point just me and another girl sat at the table overlooking the dance floor. I thought, hmmmm, this might be an opportunity for some young cowboy to ask me to dance or something. I was looking GOOD too! A young man did walk over and pause at my table, but stopped to chat up the girl I sat with. Humph! He wasn't even cute, so no real loss there.

Oh, and the best part of my 2 hours at this bar was when a slow jam came on and couples started swaying on the dance floor, dancing cheek to cheek. My eyes filled with tears. If only Harrison were here, I'd be comfortable in his arms. BARF!! I couldn't allow myself to cry not only because of the embarrassment that would ensue, but because I was wearing A LOT of eye makeup! The whole scene brought me back to senior prom, when Harrison and I danced the whole night. I remember feeling so at ease with him and unafraid to look like a fool or to stand there in silence. I knew he was something special. I've always felt awkward in social situations, but I didn't feel that way with Harrison.

I think I have issues sustaining conversation with new acquaintances because I just don't care about the mundane details of their lives. And its really taxing to pretend to care for long stretches of time. I LOATHE small talk. I just do. Plus, I don't have ANYTHING interesting to talk about, so I feel like a dud right from the beginning. I also have trouble relating to women my age. Always have. The older I get, the more anxiety I get towards maneuvering through crowds and having to chat with new people. Its so bizarre. I have real social anxiety issues. Its not that I'm afraid, its that  I become really self-conscious. I start thinking about how much I want to be in my room, under the covers away from everyone. Ok that sounds crazy. Cuckoo! Cuckoo!

Back to tonight.....so I decide I've had enough with the bar scene for the evening and say my goodbyes. Since I didn't have anything to drink (or eat) I decided to make a stop at the Del Taco drive-thru across from the bar. As I sat in the ridiculously slow line of cars, I let a tear escape from my perfectly painted eyes. I miss Harrison. If we were together, I wouldn't even be in this stupid situation and I'd be comfortable in his arms. Or, I could call him and laugh at how awkward and lame I am and he'd make me feel happy. So there I sat, in the fast food drive-thru, crying over STUPID HARRISON!!!! Oh yeah, and its almost midnight on a Saturday. I'm soooooo cool.