This summer I bought a book called "20 Something, 20 Everything" by Christine Hassler, which I picked up after spending a lot of time in the 'Self Help' section of the bookstore. Its about breaking down the impossible standards that women hold themselves to while in their twenties and how its okay to feel scared and confused. We spend our entire youth planning what we THINK is going to transpire in our twenties, and usually by 25 we see things have gone much differently. The book shares interviews with women of all ages detailing their life experiences and advice for coping with the onslaught of emotions that complicate life as a twenty-something. The best part about this book are the exercises that are peppered throughout each chapter that assist in understanding your goals and values, and coming to terms with the way life has unfolded thus far. I was really inspired by what I read and actually tried to do all of the exercises. It has helped me to know I'm not the only 24 year old unhappy with her life and unsure about where its going to lead.
I get really down when I think about where I wanted to be right now. I wanted to be in veterinary school and in a serious relationship (with Harrison...sigh). I never ever thought I would still be an undergrad and that I would be single. I never thought I would have so many regrets, either. I feel as though I haven't accomplished ANYTHING worth being proud of. I sort of feel like my life is a waste. BUT I DONT WANT TO GO DOWN THIS ROAD AGAIN!! At every year's end I reflect on what I DIDNT accomplish and how I'm still depressed. IT SUCKS!!
You know what? Part of me wants to be famous, a performer. I was given A LOT of opportunity as a child with lots of exposure to music and the arts. I used to be a multi-instrumentalist. I would love to play in an orchestra again (a REAL one!) or sing or act. I've never tried acting before, but I think I'd be really good. I'm not a terribly good singer, but I understand the principles of melody and harmony so I bet I could learn to be good. I'd also love to dance. Ballet or ballroom or swing. But I feel like I'm too old now. I'm past my prime. I HAD the opportunities but I never ran with them. Alas, this gets me down too.
I'm having a hard time getting into the Christmas mood (again). I either go crazy overboard and spend lots of money trying to compensate for my loneliness or I retreat to my darkness and shun the holidays altogether. It's just so weird this year. I feel overwhelmingly sad that I don't have Harrison and his family to share Christmas with, but then again I'm supposed to be on this self-improvement high that's supposed to get me through the season without feeling SORRY for myself!!! I feel so disillusioned. A DECADE has come and gone that's so INSANE!!!
I simply gotta march,my heart's a drummer.
Don't bring around a cloud
to rain on my paraaaaaaaade!!
--Barbra
4 comments:
I think you have accomplished a lot, even if it is not what you thought you would have done by now. You support yourself doing what you love and you have your own business too. I admire that. :) Back in high school I thought I would be a 2L in Law School by now...but things changed :) Also never dreamed I would be living in Texas.
I was reading a study the other day about how all but 5% of the population can improve their voice significantly with training. Do it. also, im gonna come to sd soon, lets hang out.
hey, that gives me hope! yeah, let me know when you're in town
you are a great writer. i hear you on the 20 something & feeling like you've accomplished nothing. i belong to that club too.
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